一九八七年我第二次赴美，这次不是公费。
当时北京的大学都在筹建博士点，解放后，中国取消了学位制，学校的教授有博士学位的都是海
外留洋回来的，这些人大部分已经白发苍苍，到退休的时候了，而解放后提升教授的又都没有学
位，所以学校很希望有几个具有学位的教授来筹建博士点，在这种情况下我提议去美国攻博士，
而且我已经是付教授，是有希望批准的。后来学校批准了我去美国读书，我一直以为学校批准我
出国正是基于上面的考虑，直到十多年后我在美国定居后，回学校见张校长，当时他已经退休，
并且中了风，支了拐杖颠颠簸簸请我到饭馆吃饭，他一句都没有问我不回来的事情，只是问我在
美国的情况，对我的关切溢于言表，我才发现自己错了，我是以小人之心在度君子啊，我这辈子
被人陷害的残忍，与受人恩之重如泰山是同样让人震撼啊。我欠张校长的情何止此事，还有很多
事，特别有一件事，我不知道应不应该写出来，因为他是违反了党的纪律在帮助我啊，如果写出
来，定会令人热泪盈眶，我过去不认识张校长，也没有给他送过礼，为什么他对我这么好呢？我
现在有些懂得了，他们可能是在为我年轻时学校对我的迫害感到负疚，尽管这些迫害是另外一批
人做的。我记得我刚调到学校去时，有一次杨校长专门请我到办公室去，其实没有什么事，好像
只是为了见我一下，见时问我有什么困难，充满了对我的怜惜，这些事现在慢慢回忆起来，才有
些清楚。
到了美国，既然是自费，靠学校批给我的那点钱是不够的，就必须申请奖学金，否则以我囊中那
些资金不用多久就空了。
我申请奖学金碰到了巨大的困难，只有我自己不明白为什么，满以为以副教授的职称，应该不难。
实际我当时已经四十五岁，比学校中大部分教授年纪都大，怎么可能给我钱呢？不断碰钉子，我
当时已经从信心满满掉到了忧心如焚的境界。就在我完全绝望的时候，我走进了KEITH 博士的办
公室。
KEITH 博士是学校的“杰出教授”(Distinguished Professor)，同时在NASA 兼职。
KEITH 博士非常友好的接待我，他对于我为什么这么大年龄还来念书感到兴趣，他指着我的自传
中那段在农场改造问这是怎么回事，我说被定成反动学生去劳动改造了。他更有兴趣了，问我能
不能讲一件在农场改造的事情给他听。
我就讲了下面的故事给他听。
这件事发生在我到农场的前二个月中，我住在队部会议室旁边的一个小房中， 与地主姜明道住
在一起。我作为一个去改造的反动分子一般说是不准参加会议的。那天突然通知我去农场礼堂参
加会议，我有些吃惊，到了那里才知道这是一个计划生育的会议，没有政治性，所以才让我参加。
八点左右,会散了，我从礼堂出来走回我住的地方。
五月的夜晚，小雨绵绵，天黑得伸手不见五指，泥泞和布满水洼的土路上什么也看不到。那个路
是泥路，铺上了一层石子，平时是走拖拉机的。 一下雨后，污泥浊水，每一步踩下去，都进入
一个泥坑，鞋给泥黏住了，要费力才能拔起来。
雨愈下愈大了，我全身都湿透了，我开始担心路旁的两个排水沟起来。这两个排水沟是为了保护
路，让路上的水流进去的，有一人深，里面的积水有半人高，由于路上什么灯也没有，什么也看
不到，真正是伸手不见五指，我非常怕掉进去，就不敢跨步，而是用脚摸索着向前挪动。
尽管这样，我几乎是试探着在走每一步，我最后还是滚到路旁的排水沟中去了。沟中的存水到我
胸部，最糟糕的是我的眼镜飞到了水里，我吓坏了，这个地方是没有配眼镜的地方的，如果没
眼镜我明天怎么劳动呢？他们一定会说我为了抗拒劳动改造，将眼镜毁了，要开我的斗争会，我
不敢想象后面的日子，我必须找到眼镜。
我在水沟里不知摸了多长时间，可能几个小时，都找不到眼镜，经常摸上的是树杈，或者石头一
样的东西，我看不到是什么，但我知道我的手已经割破了，很痛，可能在出血。
最后我竟然从污泥里摸到了眼镜，这不能不是一个奇迹。今天想起来，上帝还是不想让我死去啊，
他让我受苦，可是每到绝境的时候，他又会给我路走。
下一步是怎样爬出水沟去？我抓住了沟上面的乱草，用脚顶住沟壁想爬出去，但不是草断了，就
是手从草上滑脱，摔回沟里去。就这样，爬，摔，爬，摔，爬，摔，不知道失败了多少次，我放
弃了。
我沿着水沟往前慢慢走去，终于找到一处沟壁较矮的地方，沟壁上有一棵长满刺的小灌木，我抓
住了它爬了出去，手像刺心的痛，血可能出了不少。
爬出沟里，雨变成了倾盆大雨，我忘了自己在水沟的哪一边，不敢走，走错了方向，北大荒几百
里内都不会有人烟，只有狼。
这时天是黑的，地是黑的，整个世界都是黑的，倾盆大雨从我头上浇下来。我就那样一动不动地
在黑暗和水中站着，时间和空间对我已经完全没有意义，我睁着眼睛看着这个完全漆黑的世界，
我觉得我已经在死亡里，与人类的世界完全隔离，我终身不会忘记那种在完全黑暗中的死亡之感。
不知过了多长，我突然发现远处亮起了一个灯，现在这个灯变成了这个黑暗世界中我的唯一希望，
我猜想这一定是一个农工起夜上厕所，我必须在这首灯灭去前赶到那里，我拼命的跑，不顾一
的向那个灯光跑去，我每跑几十步就要摔到地上去一次，因为脚下都是高低不平的田埂地，我爬
起来，再跑。
我终于跑到了那个房子，灯还亮着，但是我害怕了，我不敢敲门，在那一刻前，我只是一个自然
的人，孤单的人，与大自然在搏斗，而当我到达这个房子时，我又回到了人的社会，我记起来我
是反动学生，一个被人鄙视，被人唾弃，一个人们怕惹火上身，像躲麻风病一样躲着的人，一个
这样的人，一个反动学生，能够半夜去敲工人的门吗？不能，肯定不能。
但是我敲了，我不知道怎么去敲的，我也不知道是不是我敲的。
里面一个声音问道：“是谁啊？”
“我是反动学生，来劳动改造的反动学生，我开完会后，迷路了，回不去了。”
“什么，开会？是礼堂的会吗？”
“是的，师傅。”
“天啦，现在是清晨五点钟，你从晚上八点钟一直在外面？ ”
“是的，师傅。”
“你等一会儿，我穿上衣服送你回去。”
过了几分钟，他开了门，拿了伞和手电，将我送了回去。
将我送到住处，已经是五点半，这时我完全回到了人的社会，我想起了我作为一个社会的人马上
要做的事情。
那时候农场没有自来水，用水和吃水必须到井上去打。邵兰新指导员要我每天上班前去挑水，回
来后在两个大铁锅里烧热，这样单身工人起来就可以洗脸。我新去农场，本来就属于文弱书生，
加上来农场前半年的运动折磨，已经半死不活，每次去挑水，只能挑半桶，而且一挑上去走路，
桶里的水不断晃动，有些就泼了出来，到家就剩了小半桶。回到家中，我不知道怎么能够点燃柴
木，加了很多引火的草，柴就是不着，常常烧不热水，被指责。
现在我一夜没有睡，已经精疲力尽，哪里还有力气去做这些事呢？
我不敢再去想下面等着我要做的那一大堆事，我实在太累了，太累了，我要休息，要睡觉，我想
到了解脱，这个世界对我太难了，我应该离去。
我挑起了空桶，向井走去。脑子里充满了解脱的诱惑，充满了死的快乐，比较起这后面等着我的
种种的不可承受之重，还有什么比解脱和死更轻松？
我挑着空桶向井继续走去，这时我将重来的旋律从我心中慢慢的流了出来。
请息去我的火
如春风一样轻轻
请灭去我的灯
如天空隐去的晨星
我从不知处来
带著纯洁热情的心
来时是黑夜的沉
挂著冰凉的泪
请息去我的火
如春风一样轻轻
请灭去我的灯
如天空隐去的晨星
我向天外去
那悲沉的我的灵魂
我在天内跑
那无知的我的微粒
请息去我的火
如春风一样轻轻
请灭去我的灯
如天空隐去的晨星
有一日我将重来
那是我不知的人
有一日我将重来
他就是我的再现
我不知道是怎么到井边的，一切都在茫然之中，我在潜意识中可能要向井里跳下去，就在这个时
候我被一个声音震醒：不知道是什么东西轰然掉入井里，井里发生了巨大的声响，溅起了高高的
水花，是我碰了石头，或者碰了井旁的什么东西？我不知道，我突然醒了：
如果刚才掉下去的不是石头，而是我，那么我不就死了吗？
那么是不是可以认为我已经死了，而站在井旁的是一块石头？
如果是我死了我就没有痛苦了，让一块石头去受苦受难与我有什么关系呢？
从此，我就以这样的理念活了下来，我已经死了，活着的是石头。我有时甚至会看着这块石头受
到痛苦幸灾乐祸，看看这块倒霉的石头还能承受多少灾难？
我非常详细的对KEITH 博士讲了除了那首诗以外的全部故事。我讲完时才发现KEITH 博士泪流
满面。他沉默了好久才说话，他也没有再问我什么问题，只是平淡的说：我给你奖学金。
在我与KEITH 博士相处的五年中，我总是每年年底最后一个收到来年奖学金的信。KEITH 博士
总是将其他学生的资助发完后，再给我，就这样我的奖学金总是比别人多。
五年过去了，有一天KEITH 博士突然将我叫到他的办公室，然后我像通常与他谈工作那样坐在他
的办公桌的对面，他说NO，NO，搬了一张凳子让我坐到他的身边。然后他说：
“JIAN，是你要离开我的时候了，在你离开前，我想给你讲个故事。”
接着他将我五年前给他讲的农场的事情，几乎情节不漏的给我讲了出来，他讲的时候对故事中的
人用的是他，没有说是谁。
他是这样结尾的：
这个故事中的人，就是坐在我对面的这个人，这个人能够从中国的荒原和苦难走到今天，走到这
个办公室，他还有什么路走不过去的，我相信你离开我后也没有什么困难能够阻挡住你，我祝贺你毕业。
这时我泪流满面。
(写于2018/7/20)
English translation:
Memory to my Ph.D. adviser Dr. Keith
I came to the United States second time for pursuing Ph.D. in 1987. Different
from the first time, there is no government support this time.
At that time, the universities in Beijing were planning to establish doctoral
programs. After the liberation, China canceled the degree system. Except for
the professors who returned overseas, no one has the degrees. But those professors
with degrees were all gray-haired and retired, so the school hopes that there will
be several young professors with degrees to prepare doctoral programs. In this case,
propose to go to the United States to pursue Ph.D., as a social professor, it should
be approved by the university leader. Later, when my application has been passed,
I always thought that the school approved my application was based on the above
considerations.
Fifteen years passed after I settled in the United States, I visited the school in
Beijing. President Zhang who was retired and stroked no long ago still insisted
to meet me. He invited me to eat at a restaurant. He came with a crutch and didn't
blame me why I didn't come back university, just asked about my situation in the
United States, all the concerns for me was beyond words. I found myself wrong. I
was gauging the heart of a gentleman with one's own mean measure. How nice his
heart is. The favors weighty I received which is as a mountain and is as shocking
as the cruelty that I have been framed in my life. I owe President Zhang too much.
When I came to the United States in 1987, since it was at my own expense, the
money the Bejing school gave me as travel expenses was far not enough, so I had
to apply for a scholarship.
I encountered great difficulties in seeking financial help. Maybe I was the only
one who did not understand why at that time. In fact, I was 45 years old, older
than most of the professors in the University, how I can make them give a
consideration? I had gone from full of confidence to a state of anxiety. Just
when I was totally desperate, I walked into Dr. Keith's office.
Dr. Keith is the Distinguished Professor at the school and has a part-time job
at NASA.
Dr. Keith was very kind to me, and he was interested in why I come to the US to
study in such elder ages, and he pointed to that part of my autobiography that
I was working on a farm and asked what was going on. I said that I was designated
as a reactionary student and was sent to a farm to make labor reform. He became
more interested in it and asked if I could tell him a story about the farm life.
I told him the following story.
It happened during my first two months on the farm, and I lived in a small room
next to the team office, with Jiang Ming Dao，an old landlord whose land has been
taken away by the communist party and to be forced doing the hard labor work in
the team. As a reactionary student to reform, I'm generally not allowed to attend
meetings. That day I was suddenly informed to go to the farm auditorium to attend
the meeting, I was a bit surprised, When I got there, I realized that this was a
family planning meeting, it was not political related, so I was allowed to
participate.
Around eight o 'clock, the meeting was over, and I walked back from the auditorium
to my living place
On the night of May, the weather was cold with light rain, and it was so dark that
I even couldn't see my fingers, and muddy soil road could not see anything. That
road is a dirt road, paved with a layer of stone, usually walking the tractor.
After a rain, full of the sludge muddy water, every step-down, into a mud pit,
shoes are stuck to the mud, hard to pull up.
The rain grew bigger and bigger, and my body was soaked. I began to worry about the
two drains along two sides of the road. These two drainage ditches are to protect
the road and let the water flow in. The depth of the ditch is about one person. The
normal water accumulates inside the ditch in the clear day is half person-high.
Because there are no lights on the road, nothing can be seen. I was very afraid of
falling in the ditch, I dare not step, but use the feet to fumble and move forward.
Despite this, I almost tried to walk every step, finally, I still fell into the
drain along the roadside. The water in the ditch came to my chest. The worst thing
was that my glasses flew into the water. I was terrified. There is no glasses store
on the farm. If I lost my glasses, how can I work tomorrow? The people will surely
say that I destroyed my glasses to resist the reform of labor. A struggle meeting
may be held to against me. I can't imagine the rest behind, I have to find glasses.
I didn't know how long I've been in the gutter to search glasses, might be for a
couple of hours, I couldn't find my glasses, I was often touching something like
a wood or a stone, I couldn't see what it was, but I knew my hand was cut, it
hurts, it might be bleeding.
In the end, I actually touched the glasses from the sludge. This was really a
miracle. thinking it today, God always doesn't want me to die. He makes me
suffer, but whenever I was in desperate circumstances, he would give me a way
to continue.
The next step is how to climb out of the ditch?
I grabbed the weeds above the ditch and used my foot against the ditch wall
to climb, but either the grass broke or my hand slipped off the grass and I
fell back into the ditch. Then I Climbed, fell, I climbed, fell, I climbed,
fell, I didn't know how many times I fought and failed, Finally, I gave up.
Then I walked slowly along the gutter until I found a place where the wall of
the ditch was shorter. And there was a small bush full of thorns on the ditch wall.
I caught it and climbed out. My hand was very painful. I knew the blood was
flowing out.
Climbing out of the ditch, the rain turned into a downpour, I forgot which side
of the gutter I was on, I dared not to go, if taking the wrong direction, there
would be no human habitation for hundreds of miles in Great Northern Wildness,
but wolves.
At that moment, the sky was dark, the earth was black, the whole world was black,
and the rain poured down from my head to the foot. I stood still in the darkness
and in the water, time and space were completely meaningless to me. I looked at
this totally dark world with my eyes open. I felt that I was already in death and
completely isolated from the human world. I would never forget the feeling of
death in total darkness in my life.
I didn't know how long after, suddenly I found a light was lit in the distance,
now this lamp in complete dark world became my only hope, I guessed it must be a
farm worker to go to the toilet at night, I must get there before the lights went
out, I tried very hard to run, I desperate ran toward the light, I would fall to
the ground once every few steps up, because the field is farm fields with boundary
ridge between fields, I got up and run again.
Finally, I arrived at the house, the light was still on, but I became scared, I
dare not knocking at the door. Before that moment, I was just a natural person,
a lonely person, fighting with nature, and when I arrived at the worker house,
I returned to the people of the society, I remembered who I was, I was a
reactionary student, a person who was despised and rejected by people, a person
people are afraid to be close, just like avoiding leprosy hide to avoid him, such
a person, a reactionary students, could he knock at the door of the farm workers
in the middle of the night? No, definitely could not.
But I did, and I didn't know how I did it, and I even was not sure it was me did
it.
A voice inside asked, "who is it?"
"I'm a reactionary student, a reactionary student who came to farm to labor
reform. After the meeting, I got lost and could not go back."
"What, meeting? was it the meeting of the auditorium?"
"Yes, master."
"Good heavens, it's five o 'clock in the morning, and you've been outside since
eight o 'clock last night? "
"Yes, master."
"Waiting a moment, I'll put on my clothes and send you back."
After a few minutes, he opened the door, took the umbrella and the flashlight
and sent me back.
I was sent to my place of residence, it was already half past five. At this time,
I completely returned to human society. I remembered what I was going to do as a
labor reform person.
At that time, there was no running water on the farm, people have to go to the
well to fetch water. Team leader Shao asked me to pick up the water every
morning before work starting, then boiling the water at two big iron pans, so
that other workers can wash their faces after they get up. I am new to the farm
and never have experience for this kind of work. In addition, I was very weak
in the first half year I came to the farm since the cruel struggle meeting at
University. Every time I went to pick the water, I could only pick half a bucket,
and some water would splash out during the way return, there is only one third
barrel water left at arrival. Back home, I do not know how to ignite wood, add
a lot of firewood grass, wood is not burned, often did not get hot water ready,
then I was accused by people.
Now that I haven't slept the whole night and I was so exhausted, where could I
get the strength to do these things?
I didn't dare to count all the works that were waiting for me to do, I was so
tired and so tired. I wanted to rest and sleep. This world is too difficult for
me, I thought of extrication, Maybe I should give up.
I raised the empty barrel and went to the well. The mind is full of the temptation
of relief, full of the joy of death, compared to the so many unbearable loads on my
shoulder, what can be more relaxed than relief and death?
I carried the empty barrel towards the well, and then a sweet melody flows out from
my heart.
Please extinguish my fire,
Gently like a spring breeze
Please turn off my light
slowly Like the morning star
disappear in the sky
I do not know where I came from
But I do know I came with the passion and the pure
the time I arrive everywhere was full of the darkness
I was sad let cold tears streamed down my face
Please extinguish my fire,
Gently like a spring breeze
Please turn off my light
slowly Like the morning star disappear in the sky
A sprite goes out to the sky
It is my sad soul
The particle of ignorance body
They are still running in the world
Please extinguish my fire,
Gently like a spring breeze
Please turn off my light
slowly Like the morning star disappear in the sky
One day I will come back
That is someone I do not know
One day I will come back
He is my soul
I don't know how I came to the water well. Everything is in the obfuscation.
I might jump into the water well in the state of the subconscious. But, I was
awakened by a huge sound: then I saw a very high water column splashed from
the well. Did I hit the rock or something else near the well, it fell into the
well? I don't know, but I woke up:
If it wasn't the rock that was just falling, but for me, then would I be dead?
So could I think that I was that rock falling into the well, and the one standing
here next to the wells was a rock?
If I fell into the well and I was dead, then I would have no pain. What does it
matter to me to let a rock standing next to the well to suffering?
Since then, I have lived with such a concept. I am already dead. The rock is alive.
I sometimes even watched this rock suffer from gloating and see how much more
disaster this unlucky rock can withstand?
I told Dr. KEITH all the stories except the poem. When I finished, I found
Dr. KEITH in tears. He was silent for a long time before he spoke, and he did not
ask me any more questions, just plain said: I give you an assistantship.
During my five years with Dr. KEITH, I often received a grant letter for next
year later than other students. I guess Dr. KEITH handed out the other students'
grants first then gave to me, in this way I may have more than others.
Five years later, one day Dr. KEITH called me into his office, and I sat across
from his desk, as I usually to discuss projects with him. He said NO, NO, and he
moved a stool for me to sit next to him. And he said,
"JIAN, it's time for you to leave me now. Before you leave, I want to tell you a
story."
Then he told me the story of the farm that I told him five years ago, almost
without missing. When he spoke, he used him for the person in the story, not mention
who he was.
He ended up the story by saying:
The person in this story is the person sitting opposite me, who can walk from
China's wasteland and sufferings to today, to this office, he can go anywhere he
likes to go, I believe there are no difficulties which would stop him, I
congratulate you on your graduation.
I was in tears this time.
