Mr. Ben Holladay
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近几年来，我已经几乎忘记感动是一种什么样的感情了。在我劳改和生活在中国社
会底层的时候，我曾经为一些善良的底层人们不顾政府和社会的警告，对我示以同
情和帮助而感动过。然后当我又重新投入中国正常社会的时候，我更多是生活在挣
扎、不平、愤怒、悲伤， 哀愁、希望、等待、有时候甚至是在仇恨之中。也有时候
沉浸在一个宿愿实现的喜悦之中，唯独生疏的就是感动。
当我初入美国社会时，美国人的善良，美国文化的道德光辉开始唤醒了我的这个情
绪。生活中的很多小事情让我感动，美国人叫做TOUCH，但似乎都不到MOVE 的程度。
而且当我已经适应美国社会的生活后，这种感动就愈来愈少，最后几乎绝迹了。可
是自我认识本．赫勒代后，我被深深MOVE了，这种MOVE使我不可自主的产生停止手
头的事情，写出这种感情的渴望。
这就是我下面要告诉大家的本．赫利代和他家庭的故事。
2009年是我的一个灾难年，与我生活了七年的妻子决定与我离婚。这在一个退休，
完全依赖社会保险金生活的近七十岁，而且有着糖尿病，高血压，高血脂的老人来
说不能不是一个打击。更令我恐惧的是妻子说：美国法律是保护女人的，所以她不
但要整个房子，而且还要分一半我的401K 钱。
这个时候，不少好心的中国人出现了，似乎在帮助我：
“退休金就算了，将房子给她吧”
这个房子价值二十四万多，七年来我投进去很多加付金，目前只剩下五万没有付清。
给出这个房子，我去哪里住呢？我的菲薄的社会保险金恐怕只够我付房子的租金。
但是在妻子的紧逼和这里华人的规劝下，我的防线基本崩溃。我尤其害怕妻子找律
师，因为美国律师收费的高昂令人生畏，我当时已经被吓唬到只要不找律师，给我
一些搬家费，就将房子给她了。但是妻子的胃口似乎更大，拒绝了我的要求，她于
九月搬出房子，与她工作刚调到本市的儿子合住，将沉重的MORTGAGE 和房税丢给我
一个人。同时又请了连续十八年列名为美国最好律师的POOLE 女士代表她。POOLE
的第一封信措辞非常严厉，质令我两周内搬出房子，让AVA和她的儿子住，否则就要
以一次我们打架的罪名起诉我。
2009的感恩节和圣诞节，我就是在这样孤独、恐惧和凄凉中默默地度过的。没有一
个人记起我，问候我，世界仿佛已经忘记了我这个老人、病人。
但是我不知道，这个时候却有一个人没有忘记我，冥冥中他正向我慢慢地伸出他的
援手，以至于我一开始都不知道他从什么地方进入的，他就是上帝。
事情是从一个人出现在我的生活中开始的，他就是代乌先生(MR．DAVE COLE)。代乌
是一个财务经纪人，他上我家中来是来帮我定一个退休财富管理计划的。不知怎么
搞的，当他知道我处于离婚的诉讼中，就开始关心我的离婚，再也不提他的本业务
财务计划，变成我的好朋友了。
代乌先生一开始很为我着急，他觉得我不请律师是非常荒唐的，会吃亏。但是当他
知道我不愿负担律师费后，就再也没有劝我，而是鼓励我帮助我。我就是在这个时
候开始认真学习美国离婚法律，终于慢慢体验到美国离婚法律中济弱助贫的人文和
基督精神。正是在这种精神的启发和鼓励下，在代乌先生的帮助下，我与POOLE 女
士进行了非常好的沟通，使她慢慢知道了这个离婚的全貌和实质。现在POOLE 女士
已经退出这个诉讼了，我对她的敬业精神充满了敬意。
还是在我妻子诉讼开始时咄咄逼人的气势被抵挡住和平衡住，我可以稍稍松气的时
候，代乌先生就给我提出了一个问题，他说：
JIAN，不要泄气，你的将来还会好起来的，你可以再发现一个好的中国女人结婚。
那是在汽车里，代乌先生在开车，我坐在付驾驶座上，我说：
我不会再结婚了。更不会与中国女人结婚。
代乌先生想了一会儿说：
有一个事情对你很危险，你不能变成recluse
看到我茫然的表情，代乌先生说：
你知道recluse的意思吗？
我说不知道。
他说recluse指一种与社会隔离，和任何人都不来往的人。
这一次谈话使代乌先生决心将我领入他的教会。
教会对我并不陌生，我去过各种教堂，对于不同流派教会的区别也很有了解，但是
我没有在哪个教堂待得很长。就在我离婚诉讼开始后，我还去过一个中国教堂。当
我感觉到那里的所谓资深教友的颐指气使的样子，尤其是知道我正堕入离婚诉讼后，
就更矮人一等的时候，我立即停止去了，那里似乎没有同情和爱，只有人的利益，
位置和利用价值的精确计算。
一个中午，有人敲我的门，这是很少有的，敲门的是我对门的邻居。他就是本．赫
勒代先生。
本．赫勒代先生首先给我郑重介绍一个四岁左右的男孩子，
这是我的儿子，吕斯(REESE )。
吕斯站在那里一本正经的等待我反应。
看到我一脸茫然， 他解释说：
代乌先生说你可能感兴趣去教堂，你属于我们这个教区，所以代乌先生让我问问你。
我说，是的，代乌先生给我提过这件事，代乌先生是我的好朋友，我非常尊重他。
本．赫勒代先生说，如果你有兴趣的话，你可以在周日十一点钟去那里。
我问他是否我们一起去，他说他要去得很早，有很多事需要他做，他给了我地址让
我自己去，然后到那里找他。
谈话有礼貌，但不亲近，本．赫勒代先生看来是一个内向，不多语，表情不外露的
人。谈话结束时，他又提醒我：
“这是吕斯”
因为我至此尚未回答他对他的儿子吕斯的介绍。
在我后来与本．赫勒代先生熟悉以后，才知道我的这个疏忽使本．赫利代先生有多
失望，因为他的每一个孩子在他心中的位置有多重要。
我就从那个星期开始去教堂。学习要换好几个地方，第一小时是在大会堂做礼拜，
每一次去都和本．赫勒代先生家庭坐在一起。第二个小时是在一个小房间中听一个
教师讲圣经。第三个小时的地方不定，有时在大堂，有时在一个房间里，所有的男
士在一起，主要宣布教堂的各种活动，义务劳动等等事情。完了后又到另一个房间
里，很多年龄比较大的人一起学圣经。
我刚去的时候对于这些房间的转换非常迷惑，常常不知道上哪里去，可是我一当迷
惑的时候，本．赫勒代先生就出现在我面前。本．赫勒代先生是教堂的执行秘书，
非常忙，但是在我最初去的星期中，他没有一次让我一个活动结束的时候，不知何
去。总是这个时候突然出现，将我领到下一个地方。
本．赫勒代先生与代乌先生非常不同，代乌先生热情，感情容易冲动，爱说话，而
本．赫勒代先生不爱多语，感情也不外露。在最初的几周中，他除了告诉我必要的
事情，谁是主教(BISHOP)等等外，很少说别的事。唯一重复告诉我过的事是这个教
的神职人员都是没有薪金的。本．赫勒代先生也不像其他神职人员那样非常热切的
希望从我这里听到对教堂的好评和要求受洗的愿望，最初几个星期每一次离开教堂
的时候，他都不忘将我送到门口，然后有礼貌地问我下一周还来不来。当我表示还
来的时候，他显得有些高兴。
这个教的传教都是由高中毕业的孩子来做的，根据教的规矩，信徒在进大学前需要
自费做二年的传教士。而且去的地方是由教组织分配的，有些甚至会去欧洲和非洲。
有一天教堂的二个传教士孩子找到我，要上我家和我一起学习圣经，本．赫勒代先
生这时正在旁边，他说上我家吧，我愿意和JIAN一起学。这样每一个周四晚上我都
到本．赫利代先生家中学习，这让我与本．赫勒代先生和他的家庭有了进一步接触
的机会。
我们的学习虽然亲切友好，但是就学习本身而说并非酬功给效，二个孩子显然无法
掌握这种像我这样对宗教理论已经知道得不少的人，常常跑题。 每次学习，本．赫
勒代先生从非喧宾夺主，而是安静的坐在一旁倾听。只是在有时我提的问题，二个
孩子无法回答时，他才介入。有一次他默默地走到楼上去了，过了一会儿从楼上拿
下一本杂志， 里面正是回答我的问题，他给了传教士孩子，让他们念了后，本．赫
勒代先生非常有礼貌和诚恳地问我“这是不是回答了你的问题？” 对于我的各种
问题，本．赫勒代先生没有一次以自己的口气回答，在孩子们不能回答时，他总是
非常谦卑地从圣经的经文中和其他资料中去找寻答案。对于他找不到答案的问题，
他也不强行回答，或者做一个假设的答案，更不争论。
对于我的跑题，本．赫勒代先生也没有阻止过，更没有看出他的不悦。相反他总是
仔细地听我在讲什么，像在思索，有时候还会表示赞同。例如有一次传教士问我做
过祷告没有，我告诉他们这么多年来，即使我没有来教堂，祷告却是我的一种爱好。
我将它当作夜深与一个父亲，一个长辈，一个好朋友谈话的机会。没有比祷告更使
我感到快乐了， 因为和这个朋友说话是这么容易，你不用做任何解释，也不用说谎
和耍心计，也不要提防，因为他是全能和全知的。他也不可能害你，这只能是以心
对心的谈话，我在世界上怎么可能找到比他更了解我的朋友呢“？我说完后，看到
本．赫勒代先生若有所思，轻轻重复着“不用做任何解释，也不用说谎”似乎非常
赞同的样子。
学习结束的时候，如果传教士让本．赫勒代先生做结束祷告时，本．赫勒代先生总
是将他的小儿子吕斯叫了过来，问吕斯，你愿不愿意帮我们做结束祷告？在吕斯做
祷告时，我看到本．赫勒代先生的目光中充满了喜悦和爱，可能还有骄傲。
说起来我自己也有些奇怪，为什么我走过很多教堂都没有留下，而在这个教堂待下
来了。我认真想了这个问题，有一次圣经学习时直言不讳了。我觉得我对于这个教
会的好感不是得自于圣经学习，而是非常喜欢这个教堂的气氛。记得我首次走进教
堂的第一个印象就是强烈的家庭和谐感，我非常惊奇哪里来这么多的孩子？每一个
父母旁边都是一大群孩子。第二个印象这里的孩子是无拘无束的，他们一点都不看
大人的脸色行事：有的在做互相做鬼脸；有的胳膊吊在登子上在锻炼身体；有的在
翻小人书，…… 简直是一幅八仙过海图。台上的讲话也不断被时而爆发的孩子叫声，
笑声，哭声参和在一起。第三个印象是这个教堂中每个人都是主人，主教布道时非
常谦卑，声音不像一般教堂中的牧师那样仰扬顿挫，而是非常诚恳，倒是更像在做
见证。大部分时候都不是主教讲话，而是教友见证。有时候根本就没有安排，谁上
去都可以，有些五六岁孩子也上去讲一句我爱基督就下来了，哪些场面有些令人感
动。第四个印象是他们的家庭教师的制度，每一个家庭都有家庭教师，而每一个人
又是某个家庭的家庭教师。家庭教师定期访问他负责的家庭，了解和解决家庭中的
各种问题。我真是觉得这是一个好的制度，其实每一个家庭之间都可能产生小的矛
盾，意见和冲突，而这些矛盾， 意见和冲突往往都是鸡毛蒜皮的事情，稍稍沟通就
解决了。但是如果不是这样，日积月累，也会成为问题。我想我如果早些参加这个
教会，在这个制度的作用下未必会走到今天与AVA对簿公堂的程度。我讲了这些体验
后，本．赫勒代先生也深以为然。
我与本．赫勒代先生和他的家庭关系的加深是在一次圣经学习以后。本．赫勒代先
生是我的邻居，他和他的太太婉蒂(WENDY) 早就知道我与AVA分开的事情，但是在几
个星期的学习中他们从未问我这件事。有一次圣经学习时，涉及到了离婚的题目，
我不由自主地谈起了AVA与我分裂的经过。到美国二十多年了，有些方面已深受美国
文化熏陶，我在叙述时只讲经过，而不像中国传统那样努力将对方描成恶魔。本．
赫勒代先生细心的听着，我说完后，他没有问我一个问题，也没有一句评论，默默
地拿起一支笔在纸上慢慢地写着什么，写完后诚挚地递给我说，这是我家的名单和
电话，你有什么事，可以找我们。我看到纸上整整齐齐地写着他，他的太太，他的
四个孩子的全名，年纪，家庭电话，手机，和EMAIL地址。这意味着我已经变成本．
赫勒代先生家庭的朋友。
从此以后，本．赫勒代先生除他的工作，和关心他的四个，十七岁，十三岁，十一
岁和三岁的正在成长的子女以外，将不让我太孤单也列入了他考虑的事情。他是一
个非常负责的父亲，他的孩子都参加了很多课外活动，例如排球队，乐队等等，他
非常关心孩子的教育。在那次给了我家庭名单后，我不断收到参加他家庭活动的邀
请，每一次邀请他都是很郑重其事地问我愿不愿意与他一起去xxxx，我说我喜欢时，
他都显得非常高兴，没有忘记真诚地谢谢我。
头一次是他大女儿金娜(JENNA )的排球队与另外一个学校比赛。本．赫勒代先生不
太说话，那次到达学校停车场时，是他说话比较多的一次。他说他经常和大女儿一
起跑马拉松，他趁跑步的时候可以与女儿说说话，了解她的情况。说完后他沉默了
一会儿，他说他没有钱，没有好的车，不能给他们很多东西，能够给他们的就是爱。
说到这里他停顿了一下，说我的家庭对我非常重要。
那场球，金娜打得不好，上场不久就给教练换下来了。 本．赫勒代先生似乎很在意，
他对我说道，金娜这几天身体不好，所以没有发挥出来。
以后我又参加了不少他的家庭活动，有一次去他女儿的音乐会是在RALEIGH 的正式
歌剧院中，我恐怕票太贵了，问他，他只是说不要紧的。在我坚持付停车费时，他
问我一定要这样吗，才让我付了。
我还去过一次女青年的(十二岁到十八岁)大会，那次金娜在台上指挥唱歌。会上女
青年们一个个上台回报教会在她们每一个素质上训练的结果，这些素质包括信心，
神性个人价值，知识，抉择与责任，好行为和正直美德。会后在一个大厅中展览了
女青年的各种创作，包括绘画、编织、写作、手工品、玩具、食品等等， 根据信心、
神性个人价值、知识、抉择与责任、好行为和正直美德分类，放满了大厅。每一个
作品上都写着作者的名字。我对这个活动非常有兴趣，问了不少问题，本．赫勒代
先生记在心里，两周内我就收到 本．赫勒代先生从盐湖城教会总部要来的关于这套
活动的中文书籍。 现在我的家中放着中文的圣经，杂志，和约翰斯密斯的传记等等，
都是本．赫勒代先生给我从总部要来的。
我与本．赫勒代先生家庭就这样越来越近了。有时候我从外面回来，开门时会发现
吕斯出现在我面前，说hi， jian，我正奇怪他从哪里冒出来的时候，发现远远地
本．赫勒代先生或者他的太太婉蒂在在远处向我微笑或者招手。有一次我在前门的
院子中看我的草地，吕斯又跑到我面前亲切地招呼我。过了一会儿婉蒂开门出来了，
走到我面前，她告诉我刚才吕斯在家里的大玻璃窗上看外面，告诉她
外面有一个男人，
婉蒂说在我们家门口吗？
没有，他在我们对面的门口，
他是陌生人吗？
不是陌生人，他是我们的邻居，
你认识他吗？
我认识他，他是我们家的朋友
谁？
他是jian。
接着吕斯问我可以去和jian说哈罗吗？婉蒂就让他出来了。
这段充满家庭温馨和童趣的对话让我心里充满了温暖。
这个感恩节本．赫勒代先生全家要到费城去看本．赫勒代先生的母亲，她住在养老
院。本．赫勒代先生在忙碌中没有忘记我的感恩节的安排，在一次圣经学习时问我
感恩节的计划。我说在家里过，没有什么计划，本．赫勒代先生正为自己无法请我
遗憾的时候，一起来学习的john 叫了起来，
什么！一个人在家里过感恩节？美国人说这是在地狱(hell )，上我家中来吧。他当
即写下了我email 地址，回家后将他家的地址和路线详细的送给了我。
可是在感恩节的前一天，我突然受到john 的电话，他遇到了非常特别的事情，感恩
节不能请我了。我听出他在电话这非常难过的声音，知道一定是他遇到非常不好的
事情了，有些担心。我碰到本．赫勒代先生，告诉他john可能家中遇到什么事了，
本．赫勒代像他一贯的风格一样，只是重复了一句很可能，就没有再说什么。
感恩节早上我突然受到一个叫金姆的教友的电话，要我中午去他家吃饭，而且用email
很快就送来了地址和路线。我马上想到一定是本．赫勒代先生做的安排，这时候本
可能已经在去费城的半路上了。过了一会儿我又受到代乌先生的email ，问我今天
有没有安排，如没有就上他家去。这个时候我眼睛有些潮湿，我想起了去年那个孤
独，和凄凉的感恩节，可是今年这么多人在关心我，上帝没有忘记我啊，他将我带
回世界了。
十二月初的一个晚上，我与本．赫勒代先生在一个活动结束后回家的路上，我问本．
赫勒代先生圣诞节公司放几天假？他好久没有回答，沉默了一会儿说，我可能不能
休息，要做一个手术。我不知为什么马上感觉到这不是一个一般的手术，但又不知
从哪里问起？ 就试探地说，要全身麻醉？他说，是的，十七号做手术，然后在医院
观察一天，情况正常的话，十九号就回来了。我鼓着勇气问是什么手术？ 这时候我
将头转过去看着开车的本．赫勒代先生，月光正透过车玻璃， 照在他半边的脸上，
他依然像他习惯那样平静。他说是一个肾脏手术，我送一个肾给我的朋友，Danny他
病得很厉害，他非常需要一个建康的肾。
我听着如此惊愕，可以说是shock ，沉入了巨大的情绪混乱之中，我不知自己是敬
佩，是担心，是羞愧，还是什么感情？ 我只觉得我的眼前浮出了他的可爱的妻子的
面容，他十七岁的大儿子噶瑞的面容，他的十三岁长女金娜的面容，他的次女菊色
利的面容，他的四岁活泼的小儿子吕斯的面容，车子还是平稳的向前行驶着。我说
你得到了你妻子孩子的同意了吗？ 我非常奇怪自己为什么会问出这样的问题。本．
赫勒代先生说是的，他的脸在月光中依然平静坚毅。他补充说，Danny是我的好朋友，
我认识他八年了，我和他一起做过像你做过的那种为穷人收集食品的义务工作，他
是一个非常好的人。我问本．赫勒代先生，他在我们教堂里吗？ 他说，不，他在另
一个教堂。我想不管Danny是谁，怎样好，都不能减少我对赫勒代先生和他家庭的担
心。我明白我到这一刻才真正认识到全部的本．赫勒代先生和他的家庭。
我牢牢地记住了十二月十七日这个日子。
十五号晚上本．赫勒代先生邀请我去参加他妻子儿子和女儿的联合表演，婉蒂弹钢
琴，噶瑞奏中号，女儿金娜奏长笛。我与本．赫勒代先生坐在一起， 本．赫勒代先
生充满深情地看着舞台，脸上的表情沉湎在爱和幸福之中，我又想起他说的话，我
的家庭对我是最重要的。我一点看不到两天后将有一场大手术在等他的阴影。
十二月十六日晚我给本．赫勒代先生送去了一个email：
“明天是你的一个重要的日子，我为你祷告”。
立即收到他的回信：
“谢谢你，jian，自你上几个星期中变成我们家庭中的一部分后 我感到非常好，我
非常感激你的友谊和祷告”。
十二月十七日我不断在为本．赫勒代先生祷告，当日夜间十点多，收到 婉蒂写给关
心本．赫勒代先生的所有朋友的一封公开信，信中说：
“我只是让你们知道，本的手术很顺利，………
本这会儿在睡觉，我将继续报告他的情况………
我非常骄傲和惊讶他帮助朋友的勇气和决心，使我们家庭今年度过一个令人难以置
信的和amazing的圣诞节。”
十八日的晚上，当我写完这篇文章的时候，我走到了窗口，眺望窗外的景色。本．
赫勒代先生家的窗口漆黑漆黑的，一个灯都没有亮， 婉蒂、噶瑞、金娜、菊色利、
吕斯，这会儿一定在医院中，聚集在父亲的病床旁边。本．赫勒代先生房子的邻屋
上， 一个灯火辉煌的吊满各种装饰的圣诞树正从窗口投射出来，他们的院子中，五
颜六色的圣诞灯闪闪发光，在院子的前面， 一个用白色灯光做成的一个小鹿正拖
着一个绿色灯光的车子向着不知哪里奔跑着。
我的面前又浮起了本．赫勒代先生沉稳的脸，他的声音又在我的耳旁响起：“我的
家庭对我是最重要的，我相信我死了， 上帝审判我的时候， 问我的第一个问题一
定是我怎样对待我的妻子的？“
(全文完)
后记postscript
本．赫勒代先生手术后的第三天(星期日)回到家中，他在给我的EMAIL中说，手术
进行得顺利，一切很好，但是Danny在协调新肾工作中遇到麻烦，请为他祷告。
星期三晚上我拿着一束鲜花和一个水果蓝子去拜访本．赫勒代先生，本看起来脸色
苍白和疲弱。
本．赫勒代先生看到我说Danny情况比以前好多了，他很高兴，又忙着将他从盐城
为我定的中文圣经歌曲给我，我一点没有被这些话题感染，却是停留在对他的关切
和耽心之中，我感到笼罩着家庭并非完全是圣诞的欢乐，孩子看我时低着眼睛，空
气中暗蓄着不安和惶恐。
我将鲜花递给婉蒂的时候，说：
我不但对你的丈夫充满了敬佩，也对你充满了敬佩，你是一个伟大的妻子，
婉蒂先是对我做出一个笑容，然后那个笑容马上不可自主地变成悲恸，最后变成努
力压抑声音的哭泣，这时候我看到本．赫勒代马上走过去，抱住她的肩膀，说你总
是和我在一起的，你总是和我在一起的，和我在一起的……。
二周后的周日，本．赫勒代先生完全恢复了，我又作为本．赫勒代先生的家庭朋友
坐在他们全家的旁边做礼拜。这个礼拜的安排是任何人都可以上去做见证， 大约
三四个人见证完后，婉蒂上去了，她说：
我谢谢上帝给了我这么好的孩子，给了我这么好的丈夫，……说着她泪如泉涌…
…。
这时候，本．赫勒代先生将吕斯拉了过来，对他低声说了什么，给了一叠擦眼泪
的纸，吕斯匆匆地跑上台去，给了母亲。
婉蒂在台上的时候， 大部分在流泪，她没有说一句丈夫捐肾的事情。
In recent years, I have almost forgotten the passion of moving. Many years
ago when I was in a Chinese labor camp and lived at the very bottom of
Chinese' s society, I had been moved by some poor people who ignored the
warnings of the government and showed me sympathy and provided me the help.
After released from the camp, re-entered the normal society of China, I have
been struggling with the feelings of injustice, anger, sadness, sorrow, hope,
waiting, even hatred. The only emotion I did not have was the moving.
When I first entered the American society, the friendliness and openness
of American culture began to revive the sight of my emotions, and I have
touched by many little things around me. However, still I was not deeply
moved within. Furthermore, as I gradually adapted to the lives of American
society, deep and heartfelt feelings became less and less, and finally almost
disappeared. However, since I have seen Mr. Ben Holladay recently, I have
been moved by his integrity and dedication to his belief. It made me stop
all things I was doing, anxiously to speak out of this story.
This is what I am going to tell next, the story of Ben Holladay and his
family.
2009 was a tragedy of years to me. My wife who has lived with me for seven
years left me. To a retirement, completely rely on social security insurance,
nearly seventy years old, with diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood
pressure man, this is a devastating blow. Moreover, my wife said U.S. law is
an umbrella of the woman, so she does not only want to get the whole house,
but also to get half of my 401K money, which lead me to a horrible situation.
Then many "good heart" Chinese appeared. They seemed to help me:
"Give her house, it may help you to keep your pension "
The house is worth about two hundred and forty thousand. I took most of
my income to pay additional to the mortgage at last seven years, so currently
it is only fifty thousand dollars left. Giving the house to her, where am
I going to stay? My meager Social Security payments might barely pay the
rental fee for an apartment. Under the pressure of my wife, ǒpersuadeō of
the Chinese guy here, my defense line near collapsed. I was especially afraid
my wife hiring a lawyer, because the high U.S. attorney charge made me scared.
I was down to the degree as long as my wife agreed not to hire an attorney
and give me little moving expenses. I would move out and leave the house
to her. However, it seems my wife's desire far more than this. She rejected
my suggestion and moved out in September to live with her son who just
moved to Cary for job change, which left the full mortgage payment and the
housing property tax to me and my wife think this heavy fee would make me
yield. At the same time, she hired an expensive lawyer, Ms Poole, who was
in the list of America's best lawyer for eighteen years. The first letter
Ms Poole gave me is exceptionally strong, and she almost ordered me to move
out the house within two weeks, so that Ava and her son could live; otherwise,
I will be charged by the crime reason of beating wife.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2009, I stayed in the house alone, with
fear and sorrow. There was no one remembering me or greeting me. The whole
world seems to have forgotten me, an elderly, sick man.
However, I do not know there was a person who did not forget me. Somehow
he was stretching out a helping hand to me, and I also did not know where
he started and when he began, He is God.
Things might arise from a person appear in my life, he is Mr. Dave Cole.
Dave is a financial broker. He was originally to visit me for discussing
a retirement wealth plan. I did not know how is it, when he knew I was in
divorce, he began to care about my divorce more than the business of
financial planning. We have become close friends.
At beginning, Dave thought it was absurd for my decision of not hiring
a lawyer, and he was worrying I would be cheating without law knowledge,
but when he knew I could not afford a lawyer, then he stopped advising me
to hire an attorney, but encouraged me and help me. I have started to learn
US law of divorce, and finally slowly realize it is a prejudice to consider
US divorce law is an umbrella of a woman. As a matter as fact, it reflects
a Christian love spirit and stress to help the weak and poor side. In this
understanding of inspiration and encouragement, and with the help of Mr.
Dave, I had a remarkably clear communication and dialogue with Ms Poole,
so that she slowly saw that what the whole picture of this divorce is. Right
now Ms. Poole has withdrawn the lawsuit. I am full of respect for her
professionalism.
When the aggressive action of my wife has been resisted, I could relieve
myself for minutes, Mr. Dave asked me a question. He said:
Jian, do not be discouraged, the future is still bright. You may then find
a decent Chinese woman recreate a happy marriage.
It was in the car. Dave was driving. I said:
I will not marry again. Especially I will not marry with a Chinese woman.
Thought for a moment, said Mr. Dave:
There is a dangerous trend for your life. One cannot become a recluse.
See my puzzled expression, Mr. Dave said:
Do you know the meaning of a recluse?
I said no.
He said a recluse means a person who isolated from society and no
connections with anyone.
The conversation led Dave's determination to help me into his religion.
Church is not new to me. I've been different churches several times. I also
understand the difference among various Christian types, but no church has
kept me long. Even in my divorce proceedings began, I've been a Chinese
church. When I found people status is highly depended on one's position
there, knowing I was in divorce, I immediately was put into dwarf groups,
I stopped going. There is no mercy and love, but interest in the judgement
of people's value and the way he should be treated equivalent to that value.
It was a noon. There was a knock at my door, which is rare. The knocking
was from my neighbor, Mr. Ben Holladay.
As the starting, Mr. Ben Holladay solemnly introduced a boy who is around
four years old,
This is my son REESE.
Reese was standing there waiting for my seriousness response.
Seeing me bewildered, Ben explained:
Mr. Dave said you might be interested to go to church, based on home area
you belong to our church.
I said, yes, Dave mentioned this matter to me. Dave is my honorable friend,
I respect him very much.
Then Mr. Ben Holladay said if you are interested, the service starts at
eleven o'clock on Sunday.
I asked him if we go together. He said he was going early. There are many
things need him to do. He gave me the address, said finding him when
getting there.
Polite conversation, but not close, Ben Holladay appears to be an introvert
person. To end the conversation, Ben reminded me:
"This is the REESE"
So far, I have not answered his introduction to his son Reese.
After I had become familiar with Mr. Ben Holladay, I got to know that neglect
to introduction of his son Reese would make Mr. Ben Holladay somewhat
disappointed because how important his every child is in his heart.
Starting from the following week, I went to Ben's church. It needs to change
several rooms during the whole study. The first hour of service in the Main
Hall, I am sitting with Ben and his family. The second hour is going to
a small class for Bible study. The location for the third hour is not fixed,
sometimes in the hall, sometimes in a large room, which is for men only.
The main content is to announce the church activities, volunteer work, and
so on. Then to a small room, with some senior people to study Bible again.
I was extremely confusing for conversion of these rooms at first a few weeks.
It was quite often I did not know where to go after one mission ending.
However, when I just started confusing, Ben Holladay would appear in front
of me at a right time. Mr. Ben Holladay is a Church Executive Secretary,
and he is extremely busy, but he never once let me at the end of an activity,
found no place to go.
Mr. Ben Holladay is remarkably different from Dave Cole. Dave belongs to
the passion, impulsive feelings, love talk. Ben Holladay does not talk
too much, and feelings are not exposed. In first a few weeks, he told me
that necessary thing I have to know, such as who is Bishop, etc., but rarely
say anything else. The only thing I had repeatedly told twice is all
clergies worked at church without any paid. Unlike other clergies that are
keenly to hear from me, the church's praise or wish to be baptized, Ben
never showed this kind desire. At the first few weeks when I left the church,
he did not forget to send me to the door, and then politely asking me if
I would come next week. When I said I would come, he seemed to be fairly
happy.
A special rule for this religion is the missionary are all high-school
graduates with self expenses before they go to college. It is usually
two-years missions and could be any place in the world. One day two
missionaries of the church found me to suggest coming my house and studying
the bible with me. Mr.Ben Holladay was just next to me. He said:" why do not
come my house, I am pleased to learn together with Jian". So that each
Thursday night, I had come to Ben's house to study, which made me have more
time to contact Ben and his family.
Although there was a warm atmosphere around the study, but as learning
itself, the harvest seems not significant. Two students apparently do not
have the experience to master and control the study for older students with
knowledge of many different religions. In the study, Ben never attempted
to manage the study, but sat quietly listening. Only time I brought the issue
two minister could not answer, he would involve. Once he quietly walked
upstairs, and after a while,
he came back with a journal and gave it to the missionaries. After it has
been read, Ben exceedingly polite asked me, "Is this answered your question?"
Ben Holladay never answers questions using his own ideas, instead when
two missionary did not know how to respond, he was always intensely humble
to find verses from the Bible and other sources to answer questions. If
he could not find answers, he does not force himself answer it, or create
a hypothetical to answer it; moreover, he never argues.
Mr. Ben Holladay never stops me off topic during the study, instead; he
always listened carefully to what I am talking, as in thinking, and sometimes
even showed consent. For instance, a missionary asked if I have ever prayed
before. I told them, even I did not appear to church in so many years,
pray was one of the happiest time I had. I used to do it at mid night, and
I talk to God as a father, an elder, or a dear friend. It made me happy,
because to talk to god is such pleasant. I do not have to do any
interpretation, do not have to lie or do not have to play scheming, do not
have to watch out, because he is omnipotent and omniscient, he will not hurt
me. It is the language heart to heart, how could I find another friend like
God in the world? After I stopped, I see Mr. Ben Holladay thoughtfully,
gently repeating" do not have any explanation, Do not have to lie "seems to
agree it.
At the end of the study, if missionaries ask Mr. Ben Holladay to perform
the prayer, Ben Holladay always calls Reese, his youngest son over, and
asked him, would you be willing to help us to make a concluding pray? While
Reese praying, I saw the eyes of Mr. Ben Holladay are full of joy and love.
There may be proud.
Sometimes I feel strange myself why I did not stay long though so many
churches in my life, and finally keep in this church. I honestly thought
this issue and shared with others in Bible study. I plainly said this
perception is not derived from bible study, but mostly came from the
atmosphere of the church. I remember when I first entered the church. I was
so impressive by its strong sense of family harmony. I was a surprise where
come so many children. Almost around every parent there is a large group of
children. The second impression was that, children here are full of freedom.
They are doing own things they would like to do and do not have to see any
adult's face. Some of them are making funny faces to others, and some of
them suspended their arm from the chair for the exercise, and some of them
are reading comic books .... It is simply a Baxianguohai painting. The
lecture at stage is being constantly broken out from time to time by the
children cry, laugh, and other strange sounds. The third impression was
that everyone is a master of the church. Unlike the most other church, the
speech of pastor is loud and changing mood, the speech of bishop here is
truly humble. It is more like to do witnesses rather than lecture. Bishop
is seldom talking here. Most speech is testimony by believers. Sometimes
the address is not predetermined, whoever can get to the stage to give a
speech. Some child around five-year-old went to the stage and say one
word; I love Jesus Christ, then down the stage which made a moving scene.
The fourth feeling is about the system of home teachers. Each family has
been assigned a tutor, and each one is also another familyós tutor.
Regular visits to family assigned are tutor's responsibilities, to
understand and address family problems. I think this is an excellent
system. Any conflicts are likely to grow at each family, and these
conflicts are typically small things. A little communication could make it
gone, but if not, over time and time, it could accrue to a big problem.
I think if I would join this church earlier, the trouble between me and
Ava might not be developed to the level of divorce.
The relationships between Ben Holladay family and me become much more
closed after one bible study. Ben is my neighbor, he and his wife Wendy
knew the separation of Ava and me long time ago, but they never asked me
during bible study in past weeks. Having come a study which touched the
subject of divorce, I could not help and talked about the division of Ava
and me. Having been US twenty years, I also have been influenced by
American culture, my speaking only through the narrative of fact, rather
than the traditional Chinese efforts to describe others as evil. Ben
Holladay listened to me carefully. When I finished, he did not ask any
question and did not give any comment, he just quietly wrote something on
a piece of paper slowly. After it has done, he sincerely passed the paper
to me and said this is the list of my home member, phone, whenever need
help, contact us. I read the paper; the full name, age of Ben, his wife,
and four children have been neatly listed on paper. Also, home phone,
mobile phone, Email address are listed on paper, which carries the concern
and sympathy more than thousand of words.
Since then, Ben Holladay, in addition to his work, to take responsibility
for his four, seventeen, thirteen, eleven and four years old children, not
let me alone also been included in his consideration. He is a highly
reliable father. His children have participated in many extracurricular
activities such as the volleyball, band, and others. He was particularly
concerned about the children's education and activities. Since I have
received that his family list, I keep getting to his invitation for the
family events. Each time Ben always intensely solemnly gave me a formal
invitation and asked would I like to go with him for xxxx. I always answer
I like, then he looks truly happy, and never forgets to thank me for
my acceptation.
One day I watched a volleyball match between his daughter Jenna school with
another school. Ben
usually does not speak too much. That day in the school parking lot, he
spoke more than other times. He told me that he and his older daughter Jenna
often run a marathon, during the run he could take advantage of knowing
what advice she may need. After saying this, he kept silent about a little
while, then said I do not have much money, I do not have an expensive car.
I cannot give them too many things, that I can give them are the love. Here,
he stopped again, and continued that my family is very important to me.
Jenna did not play well at that match. She has been replaced after game
not going too long by the coach. Ben seems to be regret about it. He said
to me, Jenna is in poor health these days. So she did reach her normal level.
Afterward I have participated in many activities of his family, and once
to his daughter's concert. The concert was at the Raleigh Opera House.
I was afraid ticket is too expensive, and asked Ben, he said never-mind.
When I insisted on paying parking charges, Ben asked me if I have to do
it before I paid.
I've been invited attending a young woman meeting (twelve to eighteen years
old). That day Jenna was the music command of the stage. Young ladies come
to stage to report their achievement in return of the Church training
specifications: faith, diving nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and
accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. After the meeting, there was
an exhibition in a spacious hall which showed the variety of works by young
ladies, which including painting, knitting, writing, crafts, toys, food,
classified by the specifications. I am particularly interested in this
training, and asked several questions. Ben kept in his mind, in two weeks I
received a series of the young lady training books in Chinese from Mr. Ben
Holladay, and he ordered it from church headquarters in Salt Lake City. There
are Chinese Bible, Chinese magazines, and John Smith's biography, etc., at my
home now, all those are gifts from Ben Holladay, and he ordered from
headquarters.
The relationship between Ben's family and me is getting closer and closer.
Sometimes I come back from the outside to unlock the door, I would find
Reese come to me and say Hi, Jian. When I was a surprise where he came
out, I suddenly found far from my yard, Ben, or his wife, Wendy, was waving
and smiling to me at their door.
Once I was checking my yard grass. Reese ran to me and greeted me warmly.
After a while Wendy opened the door, came up to me. She told me Reese looked
outside at the windows of his inner house, then tell her.
There is a man outside.
Is he in the door of our house, Wendy said.
No, he is at the door opposite our house.
Is he is a stranger?
Not a stranger, he is our neighbor.
Do you know him?
I know him. He is our family friend.
Who?
He is jian.
Then Reese asked Wendy's permission to go outside and say hello to me. Wendy
lets him out. This short dialogue is full of family warmth and childish
beauty, which made me immensely warm.
On Thanksgivings, Ben's family went to Philadelphia to see Ben 's mother
who lives in a nursing home. Mr. Ben Holladay has not forgotten me in his
busy travel preparation. In the Bible study, he asked me what is the plans
for Thanksgiving. I said to stay home as before. There is no plan. When
Ben feel regret himself and could not ask me dinner, John who was studying
with us that day called up:
What! A man stays in the house for Thanksgiving? Americans say it is in
hell, come to my house.
He immediately wrote down my email address, sent me his home address, phone
number and directions when he was back home.
However, the day before Thanksgiving, I received a call from John. He was
terrible sorry he has to cancel the Thanksgiving dinner, since he met an
extraordinarily unusual event at home. He sounded sad in the phone, that
he must be experienced an awful thing. I told Ben about this with worry.
Ben said :"really? " And he did not make any comment just as his usual style.
On Thanksgiving morning, I received a phone call
from Jim to invite me for dinner. At the same time, I received an Email
from him, which gave me home address and directions, I immediately thought
it must be arranged by Ben. After a moment, I received another email from
Dave. Ask me to join his home dinner if I do not have other schedules. I
felt there was some wet in my eyes when I read email of Dave. I remembered
the same period last year I stayed home alone. God did not let me extend
that way to this year, and he recalled me back to the world under his
protection.
One night of early December, Ben and me in a way home after a church
activity, I asked Ben how many days off for the Christmas. He did not answer
me quickly, silent a while, he said I cannot take a break, I need to do a
surgery. Some how I just felt this must be an odd surgery. However, I did not
know how to ask? To try, I said whether it needs to put a full sleep. He
said yes, the surgery would be arranged on 17th, and then keep a day in the
hospital for observation. If everything is fine, then he will back home on
19th. I encouraged the courage to ask what surgery it is. Meanwhile, I
turned my head toward the Ben, who was driving. To look at him, the moonlight
was shining on his left side of the face through the car glass; he looked
calm as he used to be. He said that is a kidney surgery. I donate a kidney to
my friend, Danny. He is seriously ill. He needs a strong kidney.
I was astonishing, no, was a shock about the decision Ben told me. Sinking
an enormous emotional turmoil, I did not know what feeling it was around
my mind. Was it admiration? Was it worrying? Was it a shame about myself?
Were not all of those? I seemed to see Ben's lovely wife Wendy's face, his
oldest son Garrettós face, his eldest daughter Jenna's face, his second
daughter Jocelyn's face, his lovely four year-old son Reese's face, all came
in front of me. And the car was still moving forward steadily. I said:
"Did you get your wife and children's approval for this?"
I was extremely curious why I was asking such a question. Ben said yes I
did. His face remained calm and determination in the moonlight. He added
that, Danny is my noble friend. I know him eight years. I worked with him
as volunteers. The work is highly similar to work as you did last week
to collect food for poor. Danny is a remarkably respectable person. I asked
Ben, is he in our church? He said no. He was in Cray's church. I thought
no matter whoever Danny is, no matter how good he is, it cannot diminish
my worry to Ben and his family. I thought, up to this moment, I truly and
fully realize that complete and real Ben Holladay and his family.
I have to remember that day, the December 17. I reminded myself.
On the December fifteenth night, I was invited to attend a show. Ben's wife,
son and daughter, would perform together. Wendy played the piano. Garrett
played the trombone. The daughter played the flute. I sit with Mr. Ben
Holladay. Ben looked at the stage with affectionate. His face indulged in
love and happiness. I thought of the word he told me" my family is the most
important to me in the world". I did not see any shadow of the surgery
which is two days away from him appearing on his face.
At night of the December 16, I sent an email to Ben:
"Tomorrow is a significant day for you, I pray for you"
I immediately received a response:
"Thanks Jian. It has been wonderful that having you to be part of our family
the past several weeks.
I am grateful for your friendship and your prayers.
-Ben
On December 17, I have been praying for Mr. Ben Holladay all day, at ten
Pm. Wendy sent a letter to all friends who concerned about Ben, the letter
said:
"I just wanted to let you know that Ben's surgery today went very well...
Ben is sleeping right now. I will keep you posted ...
I am so proud of him and I am amazed at his courage of helping his friend.
It has made for an incredibly amazing Christmas season for our family. "
On the 18th night, when I finished this article, I went to the window, looking
out the window. Ben's house was in a deadly dark. None of the lamps was
shinning in the window. I think, Wendy, Garrett, Jenna, Jocelyn and Reese,
must be in the hospital at this moment, gathering around his father's bedside.
Looking through the window of the adjacent house of Ben's house, a Christmas
tree with full of a variety of decorative casts was shinning. At the yard,
colorful Christmas lights are shining too, a deer which made by white light,
was dragging a car with the green light running towards the place no one
know.
I recalled the words of Mr. Ben Holladay again "My family is most important
to me," and "Some day when I died God judges me, the first question he is
asking me must be how I treated my wife? "
postscript
After Third days of Mr. Ben Holladay's surgery (Sunday), he was back home,
and he sent me an EMAIL which said surgery was smooth, everything was going
well, but there is some problem for Danny to get adaption for the new kidney,
please pray for him.
On Wednesday night, I took a bunch of flowers and a fruit basket to visit
Mr. Ben Holladay and his family. Ben looked pale and weak.
Ben was extremely happy to see me, and he just told me Danny is much better
with his new kidney. Then he gave me a religious song book in Chinese, which
he ordered from salt city. I have not been infected with these topics he
brought, but caught in the concerns and indulge of his surgery.
I felt the family was not quite enveloped the joy of Christmas. The children
looked at me with eyes low. There seems an uncertain anxiety and stress
hiding in the air.
When I handed the flowers to Wendy, I said:
I am full of admiration for both your husband and you. You are a dedicated
wife.
Wendy tried to make a smile to me, but it slowly turned into grief, and
eventually a crying with efforts to repress sounds, this time Mr. Ben
Holladay quickly came and held Wendy's shoulder and said: you are always
with me, you always with me, with me...
Two weeks later, Mr. Ben Holladay fully recovered. As a friend of Ben's
family, I was sitting next to him and his family again. The service
arrangements for that week were random witness, which means everyone could
go to the stage to speak. After three or four testimonies, Wendy went up to
stage. She said, " I am so grateful to God for giving me such a lovely child,
give me such a noble husband." Then tear burst into her eyes ...
At this moment, Ben called Reese up and whispered something to him. Then
Reese took a bundle paper of wiping tears, running to his mother.
During whole testimony, most time Wendy was in tears, she did not say one
word about the kidney donation of her husband.
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